Friday, October 07, 2005
if u want to repeat the last msg, pls press 1,to end call, press 0nowadays life seems that way for me. i feel i need to meet new ppl or re-acquaint with old friends for old times sake. n my present life story isn't tat much of a ice-breaker too. i hate relating my stupid virtually non-existant army career to my friends i seldom meet til i should record my story n just play em back. but i have to suck thumb and accept it. it's my life and there's no denying it. i feel lik i'm in purgatory sometimes. useless good-4-nothing who always cannot live up to other ppl's and one's own expectations. i learn e basics fast but hav no dilligence to pull thru. reading Gabito Garcia's autobiography n Michel Houellebecq's Atomised has gotten me more contemplative and self-reflectory than is healthy. I feel lik a sexagenarian(or older, no denying i used tat word cos of e "sex" in it lol). i read so much stuff that'd "moralise" an individual when i was a child but didn't really hav e mental maturity do anythin worthwhile or b pro-active in my "life-widening" skills.
jus sit @ home watch tv, play games n skim thru knowldege-based stuff lik children encyclopaedias n childrens' fact books on nature n some general knowledge kinda things.
i've had many aspirations since i was a child-
first wail til 5 years of my life i wanted to be an artist. i could write n draw with both hands with even capacities till my parents made me write with my right. wonder y they made me do tat?maybe right seems "right". i was drawing Garfield n other shit. i told myself i had to do the proper way of learnin n so i sketched with tracing paper over my comic or real life pics of my nature books. gave up cos i didn't lik e tediousness n mundanity.
4-7 years old i wanted to b a scientist. some show called "Bio-Man" or something lik tat, was the inspiration. he could change into animals of all shapes n sizes n d effects of him growin feathers n havin his fingers turn to claws was fascinating. i loved animals n sought to be like Bio-man. i guess when i was a kid i truly liked "Bambi" if u get my drift. (Stop laughin Robin, i don't lik Simba tho =p ) . throughout this time my sis didn't give up our childhood dream of drawing for a living n she did good in art till sec2 where she had to give it up cos she was in science class. by then she had turnedinto a practical person n would nv do art for a living. i still feel that this aspiration of my life affected me most till now.
8-10 years old. i wanted to protect my family so thus wanted to b a police man.
this would very much b somethin tat would nv b contemplated at all in my present state of mind esp. when i tried to b hero by firstly, signing on to protect my family financial future, n secondly, stupidly opting for commando unit. thru out sch i was quite good in english n very good @ maths n science but Henry Park was a school of geniuses so i nv tot i was any good till i went 2 North View sec.
for a few years after, i nv really contemplated what i wanted to b till 15. i wanted to be a writer of all sorts of poetry n novels. Shakespeare n Dune were early reads of enthusiasm. in this period i still contemplated being a biologist cos a year b4 was e year ppl r streaming for classes. again my lack of dilligence let me down. flashes of brilliance every now n then in english, science class n literature was all tat i had 2 show. a B4, B3 n D7 in order of e above subjects was alll that i had 2 show n farther compounded my under-achiever status.
i guess all these years of not being all that i can be, coupled with the financial crisis sweeping thru my family lik a hurricane, made me jumped tat desperate leap into the deep blue ocean. the short term prospects was encouraging. I had money 2 do what i wanted n train a lot. exercised a lil self-taught discipline i nv knowed b4 n thus was very motivated 2 epitomise the multi-faceted, multi-disciplinary person i am tat hav marked my life lik a chronic illness. but as usual, life faded, i realised that army was not e career i wanted. furthermore, a new aspiration in Salsa had me wanting 2 b a latin dancer. my injury was kinda fortunate then, u can say.
now it's make or break
nowadays i'm so low
i nearly cry everynight b4 i sleep thinkin abt my life.
to me, the sadest case is when a man nv realises what he is made of n thus thru his own lack of courage, is unable 2 help others.
this drama of a life has given me major psychological migraines. it's more from my family financial probs tat thus wrecked havoc thru the home. i get headaches that would b a sharp pain on e side of my head near the ears where my specs arms would b. i nv tot abt it til now, but i always had some weird "blackout" when i squat 2 long or have my head low relative to the rest of the body lik when i wake up with freakin headaches every mornin if my pillow isn't high. there're more lik white-out, cos i'd feel like blood rushin downwards away frm my head n my eyes would b "white" for a split sec. once when i was 17, i half fainted if not for the sofa next to me. i nv knew i had some prob til a "routine" NKF health check in my camp told me i had high blood pressure for my age. they told me sometimes it's lik tat cos i'm nervous or somethin. i should've known better actually. i haven't checked on it yet with a doctor. partly cause i'm afraid if i was completely honest n told him i had tat prob for years, i wouldn't b able 2 claim insurance if i had any medicals to do in future. weird pimples of sharp acute pain would appear in my head. they still hurt lik a needle if i poked at it with my nail.
nowadays i hav many reasons to b afraid. but i can't b anymore. make or break.... my family is all i've lived for n i should not indulge in money draining hedonistic n self-pleasuring things anymore. "B A MAN" would b what my best bud Raymond would tell me.
but i pray God would help me...
i feel i'm lik a child thrown in the rubbish dump
i feel lik a mouse told to carry the load of a camel
i feel lik a bird anchored by that stupid metal ball thingy i don't know e name of.
i feel desperate
i feel lik crying
i feel lik dying...
