Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Happy Birthday to Selwyn

It's really sad to find one of the most(if not the most) jovial personalities get bed-ridden by a terrible virus. Encephalomyelitis was the diagnosis. We visited him on Sat, his birthday. That fact was really frustrating for all of us and hardly tolerable. One of my fren couldn't hold back her tears. I wasn't really close to these bunch but I never minded hanging out with them as I was pretty anti-social in my poly days and knowing this bunch have truly livened up my poly experience. Nelson and Selwyn. OR Nel & Sel for short. The best buddies and partners in crime. They were so whacky! I really liked their liveliness and ability to not be embaressed when fooling around and just plain making fools of themselves(it's a good thing). They made our lives so much more worthwhile.

I remember telling him that his great ability to contort his face in an endless waltz of human emotions would give him a lead if he wanted to be an actor.

He even talked aside to me asking me how to get an acting job after i told him that. I don't really remember that conversation well. But he surprised me by asking me that as he must have tot I knew some "lobangs". Which I didn't.

There he still lies fighting that virus. I hope he gets well. Such a lively character shouldn't be treated this way...

Stuff like these really saddens me but I'm numb in a way in that sense that my tears don't flow anymore. I feel a heavy burden whenever such situations occur. Unfortunate happenings that shouldn't result. I personally wana take all that unto my shoulders but I don't wana make any actual declarations or promises. Cos the burden of that promise itself can b self-defeating. SO that only thing i'll promise is tat I'll work according to priorities and do them properly.

I'll need to take care of myself if i wana take care of others.
I'll need to b successful if i wana help others
I'll need to strong to carry others
I'll need to b credible to myself if i wana b incredible
I'll need to love myself to love others.

Thus in the short term, i'll appear very selfish but the longer term goal must b achieved.
I mite not b successful but at least I'll die trying.

I'll think of my family, frens and then last but definitely not the least, God
whenever i'm low and to set myself back on track.
Being selfish in order to be selfless.
Thus I mite have to sacrifice some things...

Saturday, September 24, 2005

some things u wonder it they're worth waiting for
some promises u wonder if they're worth keepin
some ppl you wonder if they're worth it...
sometimes you wonder if you're worth anything
sometimes you wonder if i'm makin any sense at all
=p

Thursday, September 22, 2005

You Don't Know Jack!™ ~

kinda reminds me of the gibberish quiverish sections in You Don't Know Jack!™ PC game.
here's the original game website
http://www.jellyvision.com/go.php?p=/stuff/gamez/ydkj/index.php


nothing to do with the game but hilarious
http://home.pacbell.net/diana_do/knowjack.htm

Nonsensing about Write

I realised that i love playing around with the english language but was still very much bonded by that that binds all languages: grammar, only today.
The discovery was made on my way home when reading Gabriel García Márquez's autobiography.
My eureka moment was tied to the mention of and excerpt from Don José Manuel Marroquín in that book.
Gabriel... or should i say Gabito, wrote about how he used that form of poetry from Don Jose in his everyday speech. Such was the artistry and excellence I can only imagine that could come out of a 13-15 year old mouth, that by that phase of his life alone, would already put him up there with the greats of literature, and it was definitely very much the birth of one.
Now I won't just play with the grammar of words. I'll switch nouns with verbs. No vowels included. Switch adjectives with nouns or verbs. etc... the play of such goes on!
FUCK THE RULES OF LANGUAGE MAN!
Fang zheng, couples have been talking without talkin and animals move by instinct. So? Why not play with what man created as one's very one and screw and twist and FARK it up man!
I'd b lying if i said i did not first write them properly before embarking on this crazed voyage of language gibberish.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Saxually Trasmitted Disease

Can't stand it.
Everytime nowadays Cyndi or Yamaguchi punishes me after i blow em.
I get flu next day.
Followed by sore throat.
Hopefully I don't get fever tat usually results after e above 2 symptoms appear.
Must be some irritants/dirt particles trapped inside.
Didn't help to have a habit of breathing thru my mouth instead of my nose.
Sometimes(more lik often a times) my nose gets clogged up not in a flu or running nose way. But more like the area between the back of your mouth and your nose. It feels inflamed and thus gives me that very socially damaging habit of snorting and trying to force out n spit out phlegm that isn't there. I thought only Old ppl get that.
Stupid.. so long never have sax then they bite me hard where it hurts.
Talk abt love hate relationship man...
Maybe cos they were angry i neglected them for so long...

Sunday, September 18, 2005

i can't believe i wrote this shiat 3 years ago!

2.58pm 7th September 2000 (Edited every now and then from then after.)The (one of the) highest level of maturity, is the acknowledgement and the knowledge of the suffering and the poor and the other unfortunate souls out there. This maturity also knows that others are our responsibilities and that we should fully give ourselves to them. Another equally important aspect of this "high" form of maturity, is the ability to recognise that the ego of oneself is the only real obstruction and that we should forgo it. From all this, we will then know that most, if not all, of our own hindrances, troubles and problems, are caused not by others, but by ourselves. And this driving force that compels us to hurt ourselves and others, though we do not mean it, is our ego. (some of the above have been altered between the two dates on top and just below)

(Continued 28th August 2001) Why the ego? First of all, with the ego, there is the "self". In order for us to be able to completely help others and ourselves, we must foresake ourselves. To do this is to rid oneself of "self". For we must be selfless to be completely able to express and gives thanks and our abilities to others and ourselves. If we were to keep our "self", then we would forever be hindered as we would be too bothered with "gain". Once we bother ourselves with "gain" we would never completely achieve. As we would always be preoccupied with the "self" & "gain" that we would never do anything without first consulting the "self" & "gain" as to whether "they" would benefit. We must have an OPEN AND EMPTY(devoid of preoccupation with "self" and "gain") mind when doing things for success. For grief, pain and being overly-concerned with self-success would always put us down. And then selfishness would set in, putting you in danger of being destroyed by other like-minded people. If love, openness, nobility, patience, faith in others, etc were to be the principles instead, then we would be able to completely achieve because everybody else would be charged up by whoever's living selflessly. Living without judging others and loving everybody despite their flaws is what the Lord desires for it is the greatest way of of living life and keeping everything in this interconnected world in order so naturally a natural consequence of such a life would be success. People are too selfish and concerned with trying to be self-successful and intelligent (for themselves and to satisfy their ego) and beating the competition to be able to realise the "MOST ABSOLUTE OF ABSOLUTENESS" method of success and achievement that holds much wisdom and intelligence. The wisdom in UNCONDITIONAL LOVE is flawless and highly effective. But we must pursue it without thinking of the successes and the achievements that results from such.
Yes, you may argue that in this practical world, nobody gives a f**k about all this and that it sounds highly ldealistic and impractical and unrealistic and unfeasible. You're not wrong on the super-ficial point of view. People are out there competing in the rat race so we must be like-wise to prevail in this modern day struggle to success monetarily and materialistically. People would backstab you and pretend to be your friend just to succeed as well so, why not? Everybody else is doing it. The real world is merciless and cruel. But the world is cruel only because we have made it that way. As humans we have practised our ways inconsiderately and unpractically already. So who's the more impractical one here? Looking at all the points as a whole and those deeper ones that catch the essence of this so-called "rat race", we cannot ignore the fact that we are all humans. Thus, emotional beings. We always claim that logic and intellect governs our lives but alas, it is more often likely that we behave illogically and unreasonably because of provocation of our ego that stir up our ego from some external source.
That's why we must be selfless! In order that we may succeed without being hurt when someone provokes you. In order that we may achieve holistically that the human race would, and not for ourselves alone. In order that all humans and beings and creatures in this universe would strive and survive as one. Often a times, one selfish person, who doesn't concern himself with how the world would be affected by his actions, would destroy it unknowingly.
Think about it! If we help others and ourselves for the greater good of helping the human race and life in general. We would ultimately improve ourselves!(The previous and following sentences was written because as most people are selfish, I must state "what's in it for them" in order for them to be convinced of my theory of unconditional love). We help others, we would succeed as well for everything in life is inter-connected and interdependence is optimal. We can not be completely independent as we live in a world with other beings in it. We cannot do something that wouldn't be able to affect another. In the context of the business environment, if we strive to improve the company for its own sake, it would gain in profits and thus we would benefit as employees of that company.
It all goes hand in hand. Therefore those who seek to "die with the most toys" in the rat race, is the most opposite of "MOST ABSOLUTE OF ABSOLUTENESS". It is the ultimate stupidity, for one who bring both an organisation or something as a whole up in the clouds of heaven is very much intelligent than one who's looking to gain for himself.
What can I say about this so-called intelligent being who succeeds in his terms? He even has an eternity of suffering in the form of Hell to look forward to. All his toys in this real world gets burnt up eventually. All he is working for, is to work an eternity in Hell? Very smart indeed...(some editions where made to the above on 27th September 2001)

Wow! Been a while since i read this or re-write this! (25th August 2002)

Seeking forgiveness

Evening Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray Thee, Lord, my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray Thee, Lord, my soul to take.
If I should live to future days,
I pray Thee, Lord, to guide my ways.
Amen.

and other renditions...

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
Guard me Jesus through the night and
wake me with the morning light

The Prayer of the Selfish Child (Shel Silverstein)
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
If I should die before I wake
I pray the Lord my toys to break
So none of the other kids can use 'em

hush little baby, don't say a word
and never mind that noise you heard
it's just the beast under your bed,
in your closet, in your head
Metallica, Enter Sandman

If I should die a bloody, horrid death
I'll thank Jesus with my last breath ~Raithere

Sianz

stil hav 2 wait longer... MO ask me go get update frm specialist... even if i don't care if i wana downgrade or not... i go back PES B i also happy... combat or not now i don't bother... can post out can liao...

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

WTF!

can't stand it! Med officer(MO) asks me 2 come back 2moro 4 my board review. called in mornin 2 ask board review IC if hav. he tell me 1400 hrs. I come 1400 c MO he blur blur look at me... sianz... stil hav 2 wait... also got MSD check n GSI check this week... sianz... everythin happen in 1 wk. I hope i post out in this wk 2... hope i get perm downgrade... now in guard room . stayin in 2 save money.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Med Board Review!

there's some dramatic eerie overtones to this coming event.
what would be the decision?
would they do anything to me if they decide not to downgrade me?
Like, discharge me with paying bond if no downgrade
best case, discharge me w/o paying bond if HAVE downgrade.
actually, i tik most prob they won't downgrade me then
Chief Clerk mdm will just post me out when my temp downgrade expires.
but the time without vocation is so long... so get perm downgrade is the
least i'd hope for.

Biggest factor... i don't hav anymore new med documents.
i'll just tell the truth lo
Specialist say no miracle cure. Jus gave me physio.
Sux... to tik that last time they wanted to give me surgery but i gey kiang say want MRI scan first.
SUx...

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Thinking about a pickup line...

or mayb, just words of flattery 2 use if i hav a gf

"You're quite literally, an epitome of a walking euphemism."

i personally do NOT expect a future gf 2 possess
"beer mugs", "hour glasses", "porcelein" features
"equal gradient" etc etc

but someone who'd make me believe that what she possesses surpasses such as I've stated above. NV-THE-LESS! such of which, if they do come, would be MORE than welcomed.
*wicked laugh* HAAAAAA-AH-AH-AH-AH-AH-AH....

*big sigh*

sometimes i wish i speak as well as i write.
Looks like everybody's possesses their own inner nemesis or contradictory quality.

when i was 16/17
i had this email pen pal spree
went to excite/yahoo classifieds for penpals
and got some international ones
all replied n seemed, well to me at least, a little interesting
but the greatest single fascinating reply to my initial attempt at
ice-breaking, was from Christina Hung from Long Island NY.
Quite the contrary was her response.
She gave me an extremely prolonged email bashing of such eloquence, I had a really vulger and perverted response. IOW, i was VERY turned on. Her command of both the english language and her utter ability to seize a man by his loins thru such, actually gave her quite the contrary response as i did.
I wrote back an apology that was more than on the edge of my very limited vocabulary as compared to one such as herself.
To cut a long story, i had her icq and her actual home address that began
a long distance thing lasting about 2-3 years
of course, the "more than platonic" period was broken up with the coming of
a real life person in my life back then.
but the time when it became less than platonic and the resultant nought was pretty sad.
I replied pretty quickly when she writes. She takes 2 months. She was the usual workaholic and studyholic who gets mad when she's not in the 1% percentile of the entire US academic year. So I didn't really blame her. But e diff is she nv NOT replies. Soon i got bored and i soon matched her "FedEx punctuality" which soon stretched to bi annual periods and til i stopped entirely.

Looking back, i was becoming more and more unlike the person she knew me in the beginning and I gladly told her so but her insistence that it doesn't matter greatly affected me. I was in the beginning of that correspondence, very articulate and had dreams of becoming a writer and loved Macbeth n other books. But soon it became, aikido, then salsa, then latin n blah blah blah.. u noe the rest. It wasn't her fault but her ability to accept my fickleness which I always didn't was making me less want to return her reply. She was constantly on her goal. She wanted to be a brain surgeon so she studied and helped out as medic and has St Johns(or its american equivalent). Her focus was there. I was like the philandering insatiable husband. I was so curious about life i became a jack's jack of all trades. Very much master of none.

I don't think I have 2 explain about my time in aikido/salsa/latin dance.

But I tik I have a lil more focus now

Once I have money, salsa here i come!

but for now,
work hard when i get my posting,
and freelance html n other stuff AMAP!

checkin this out on manda's panda comic blog
http://morethanmissionary.blogspot.com/

i went... OoooKAE...
not goin 2 completely promote it tho.
i doubt e gender of the writer so i don't recommend guys 2
take tat as "advice"
unless of course
a woman's intuition proves me wrong.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Windows Spyware Survival Tools

http://www.tomshardware.com/howto/20050819/index.html

Anti-Spyware Website
Spyware Warrior
http://spywarewarrior.com

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

I don't know about you.

But i'm pretty freaked out my my deja vus nowadays

Plus the fact I always have a knack for picking my phone up to see if someone calls or msged.
And lo and behold,
the call n msg appears in front of my face.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

ELECTION TIME!!!!

adding a poll just for the fun of it!
DISCLAIMER: NOTHING 2 DO WITH MY INCLINATIONS!

STRESS!

sianz... hav 2 b present @ board review nex wk n i don't hav any new documents 2 show them. looks lik i'm screwed. jus because i don't have e documents to prove it doesn't mean there isn't a prob. i'll just talk my way around it. the physio told me tat it's a loose, elongated ligament that the MRI scan didn't pick up but the stupid specialist just didn't accept wat e physio said. cos they treat MRI scans like GOD'S WORD! WOW! that's so reassuring! watever la... pray lo... come wat may...

Sunday, September 04, 2005

rojak blog

this main blog wil b a blog that tests the limits of htmling in a blog form. so if it's messy, it's intentional ppl. Sorry to give u sore eyes frens! =p it's lik a EVERYTHING-ALSO-WHACK blog. i still can't get my movie dropdown list 2 work... can't use other website's movie url. dun tel me i hav 2 upload one by myself??? crap...